Dealing with Anticipatory Grief

"I miss you already."

Have you ever missed someone while they were still in your life? Felt that welling up of sadness, which comes at unexpected times? Maybe you are repeating the same story to your mother with memory loss, or putting on the brace for your partner who had a stroke last year. Perhaps you are paying the bills for your friend who just moved to a nursing home and is no longer able to manage their finances.

Anticipatory grief is incredibly common, and an experience caregivers rarely have an opportunity to discuss.  Typically there are so many details to be attended to, there is little time to process the actual loss you witness every day.  The reality is it can feel like we lose a bit more of our loved one each day.  The quirks and characteristics that make this person special and dynamic may change drastically when they are consistently not feeling well, have cognitive impairment or are approaching the end of life.  

Anticipatory grief is incredibly common, and an experience caregivers rarely have an opportunity to discuss.  Typically there are so many details to be attended to, there is little time to process the actual loss you witness every day.  The reality is it can feel like we lose a bit more of our loved one each day.  The quirks and characteristics that make this person special and dynamic may change drastically when they are consistently not feeling well, have cognitive impairment or are approaching the end of life.  

Every day at The Care Plan we see caring friends and family band together for the well-being of their loved ones.

In order to make that road a little easier, we wanted to identify some tools for dealing with anticipatory grief. Thank you for all you do every day, for the chores, tasks, and care you provide.

1. Acknowledge the loss: There is a pattern among caregivers to pretend like “everything is fine”, or be ashamed about their sadness because it doesn’t “do any good to cry about it”.  Keeping up a false pretense is expending energy you simply don’t have.  Be realistic about your feelings and commit to addressing your own needs. 
2. Everyone is vulnerable: It takes massive vulnerability to allow someone to care for you.  To help with a shower, housekeeping, doctor’s appointments and more.  We tell our loved ones not to be ashamed for needing help, yet we are ashamed of feeling our own loss. You are not a machine and the caregiving relationship is a mutual one. 
3. Take a break: Build in time to breathe.  If you don’t have time to stop, you have no time to process your grief.  
4. Lean on others: At some point or another almost all of us will be a caregiver.  In the same way you’ve been a listening ear or shoulder to cry on, trust others to be there for you.  Friends, caregiver support groups, podcasts, radio shows or gatherings are a useful way to not feel alone. 
5. Learn: If you are a person who takes comfort from learning as much as you can about the road ahead, do the same in this situation.  Your fears or anxiety may be mitigated with information about the disease progression, what resources are available, and how others have responded in a similar situation.  Our weekly Youtube videos may be helpful to you in this endeavor (insert link for video)
6. Connect with your loved one: Even though the connection may not feel the same as it once did, find opportunities to have meaningful moments.  Some ideas are to read from a favorite book, create a scrapbook, ask about the past, thank them for their role in your life, or share a meal.  There’s a number of strategies you can employ, but it takes intention to make those meaningful moments happen.  

If you find yourself experiencing anticipatory grief and would like resources, please don’t hesitate to reach out. We are happy to advise you on how to organize care and secure the support you need to adequately deal with your anticipatory grief.